No one Ever Promised Me a Rose Garden……

But rose gardens are so pretty….

Life is funny sometimes. Not “ha, ha” funny, but ironic. No one ever promised any of us that it would be easy, just the opposite in fact. We learn from a very young age how cruel it can be. Playground bullies, unnecessary bumps and bruises, transpiring pointlessly sometimes, if only to show us that the world and the people in it can be cold. Yet we still, for the most part, continue to fight, kicking and screaming to find our rose garden.
In my life I have experienced the very highest of highs and the very lowest of lows, a record all, of a life lived. I have had the biggest of disappointments, interactions and events that I expected and counted on dissolving before my eyes. I have made the biggest of mistakes, life altering and damaging mistakes, ones which forever changed the course of my future. The irony, of course, lies in knowing that my own choices, my own actions brought me exactly where I deserved to be by anyone’s standard. A variety of errors on my part, insecurity, procrastination, laziness, each have played some role in speeding me along towards failure.
I have acted stupidly. I have been afraid to own choices I have made, frozen by the knowledge that I should have been smarter, and that really, stupid has no excuse, only consequence. I have acted cowardly, begging for mercy when I have been too weak to handle my own reality alone, protesting the tomorrow when I should have been stronger today.
In my life I have experienced the worst of luck, done the right thing, worked my hardest only to end up in failure. I have pushed myself until my body collapsed, until my mind faltered, until my will dissolved, only to watch the fruit of my labors rise in wisps of smoke and dissolve in a pile of ashes. I have struggled, witnessing things I worked towards for years crash and burn. I have been abandoned when I was burning, sacrificed selfishly.
In my life I have survived the most devastating of heartbreaks, the crushing and cruel realization that life is no fairy tale, but a drama with characters, all with their own agenda. I have felt unworthy, not good enough, numbed by the tearing of my heart, the disappointment of loss, of what never will be. I have struggled to breath through tears, turning off all emotion, so as not to feel the pain, disappointed to even wake the next morning.
In my life, I have experienced violation, scarring and altering, events beyond my control, which damaged my home, my body, my security, and my soul. I have lived through pointless cruelty by others who either didn’t know or were too evil to care how their actions hurt. I have survived trampling of my rights and privacy, which forever cemented deep seeded insecurities, injured my family and those who I love.
In my life I have experienced the greatest of joys. A soul created from part of me, breathtaking beauty touching the core of me, gifts from Heaven I know, as there is no other possible explanation. I have been gifted with the glory of motherhood, where sacrifice is offered willingly and without question, and the simple existence of that soul provides me with the breath and desire to climb the highest of mountains and fight the greatest of wars without care for any injury that might be inflicted on myself.
I have experienced the greatest of loves, deep and pure. Heartrending feelings of devotion, lust, obsession even, wrapping myself up in the ecstasy of being loved. I have lived romance novels and fairy tales and waterfalls, emotions so strong that my world stopped spinning and I was perfectly happy to jump right off, not knowing or even caring what lay beneath me. I have allowed love to envelope me, selfishly sometimes, no thought or even care what the outcome may be.
I have had dreams come true, lived moments some only imagine, pleasure others don’t realize exist. I have watched magic created from thin air wrap itself around me and felt as it penetrated my core, surreal but present. I have been witness to incredible kindness, selfless and healing, both to myself and to others. I have received gifts, emotional and material, which I was desperate for, but often undeserving.
I have been the recipient of the fiercest of loyalty, love and commitment to my well-being. I have been nurtured when I was in pain, nursed when I was broken, coddled when I was weak and loved when I didn’t deserve to be, sometimes by people who I least expected, sometimes by total strangers.
I have put the pieces back together. I have picked myself up from the bottom of the trash heap again and again, struggling to believe that it is all worth it. That the joys, the love, even the pain is somehow making me a better person, a wiser person, capable of waking again the next day to face the next battle.
I have learned through joy and pain, loss and love. I have evolved, grown, changed, and become stronger. I have realized I am capable. I am unique, that there are people who love me even when I screw everything up. I have learned that I can touch a child’s life and shape their future, teaching them how to give and receive love, and that I don’t have to be at my best to do it. I have learned that we can’t protect the innocent from pain, we can only guide them through it. I have learned that everyone leaves their footprint, and we can choose to
recognize that as beautiful or damaging. I have learned that we can’t make people love us, no matter how desperately we try. I have learned how to pick myself up, how to keep breathing, how to close doors against my will and how to open up new ones, shaking and raw. I have said yes to opportunity, to clarity, to the sun and the stars.

I have learned I am worth it.
That love should be easy and if it is a tough decision, then it isn’t really love.
That I shouldn’t trust others for my happiness.
That dreams blow up in smoke but the next one is likely manifesting itself as I weep.
That loss makes us humble.
That I should cherish those who are willing to walk across the fire to be with me when I am burning.
That it takes courage to be happy.
That we sow our OWN rose garden, seed by tiny seed and we must nurture and care for it to grow.
That people who love us water our flora, pluck out the weeds.
I have learned through my ups and downs, through my highs and lows.
My, oh my, I have learned.