Already Gone...

I've lost my mind, and I am not sure where to find it.


It all began last night. I had a sickening, pulse quickening sense that something really, REALLY important was missing. I've had that feeling before, but in the past, I've managed to ignore it, suppress it, or pretend that it wasn't there. Not this time. This time, the feeling was its strongest yet.


Saying that it began last night may be a bit of misstatement. The vacating of my mind probably began long ago. I am not sure exactly when it started, but over the years it gradually deepened. Divot by tiny divot, my sanity has been etched away with each surreal event or extraordinary experience.

It is an odd feeling, the absence of one's mind, as though an appendage has gone missing. You realize something that used to be there is gone, yet sanity dissolves in such minute increments that the realization ultimately arrives like a slap in the face. It WAS there, once upon a time. Why did it ditch me? And where the heck did it go?

Although I am certain my sanity began its slow decline years ago, certain recent events have hastened its desertion. For instance, about a year ago now, my husband moved out of the house we'd shared. Those lonely and tearful nights I spent during and following our initial separation created some serious sanity dumping. Sitting in my garage so as not to be discovered dissolving into nothing, I'd curl my knees tightly into my chest, staring absently at the rafters. It was my own fault my mind left me then. I didn't really want to visit it at all at that point, thinking it was no friend of mine.

Even more recently, after my house and all of its valuable belongings were robbed, my mind slipped even further from my grasp. The trauma to my family was so complete, that I didn't really want to be sane, anyway. Initially, it was much simpler to just follow my mind on its slow descent into lunacy. After all, no sane civilian woman would consider staking out the homes of various convicted felons for entire nights at a time. Sanity would never have allowed me to continue pretending I was living an episode of "Charlie's Angels". Following suspects and casing hide-outs is too, well- crazy!
It was around this time certain friends and family members started to snap their fingers in my face.
"Hey! Keri! Hey! What planet are you living on?"
I soon decided to conceal my nocturnal habits. I no longer invited my friends on the stake-outs. I took my teenage son with me instead.

And the slow slide continues...