Dear Children,
Its me again, your annoying, embarrassing but ever so insightful mother (who you whole heartedly believe doesn't know anything about life).
Let's see, what other crazy things have you believed since you were ripped from my loins?? Well, there was that whole Santa thing, and the years you believed that the white grape-based beverage in my glass was juice. Oh! And what about what we fondly refer to as the "magic hat" incident, when you believed that your new baby brother got into my belly through some magic trick your father performed? It is ironic that you, in fact, know EVERYTHING whereas I know nothing whatsoever. I always knew you were brilliant, after all you share my brilliant genetics, but I sincerely hope you still remember all that EVERYTHING when you are an adult- we will all be rich.
Based on your (not so pleasant sometimes) words, you also are convinced that I'm Old School (a tag that I'm actually proud of-though I wouldn't admit it to you in a million years), stubborn (another positive in my mind) and overly expressive (yeah, yeah-that one not always my best quality).
I'm writing this letter because, due to the current average college tuition, the outrageous cost of clothing and shoes, and of course ever rising gasoline prices, I'm afraid there won't be much for me to leave you as an inheritance when I'm gone. I'm spending all my money (and your grandparents' too) while I'm alive and kicking. Be grateful that you have shoes at all at 100 bucks a pair. After I'm gone, you will have to figure out how to afford hundred dollar shoes for yourself and your own children. Good luck with that. You do know EVERYTHING, so i'm sure you will be fine. I suggest opening a Sears credit card-they have great sales sometimes, and the rustic look may be "IN" for a while.
You've told me a hundred times that I don't know anything, and are currently convinced you have all the knowledge and wisdom there is to have about the world and how it works. You have it locked up! Good for you!
I realize that because you have somehow managed to harness all this worldly wisdom in your few short years on earth, that any advice I offer you is surplus and pointless, but humor me just this one time and read on.
While I don't claim to be an expert at anything except for screwing things up, I actually have learned a thing or two that may come in handy to you on your journey through adulthood. I fully expect you to disregard every bit of it, because your tendency is to do the exact opposite of what I suggest, but as I said, there's no money or stock options for you after I croak, so take what you can get. I leave you with all the wisdom my 37 years have wrought.
Lesson #1- Love Well and Love Deeply (even when it hurts)
Love from your soul. This is guaranteed to grant you a spiritual experience that no church or drinkable, smokable substance will ever top (um, not that I know a thing about any of those substances myself of course, I'm just basing it on what your grandmother told me...). Love people for who they are, and NOT what they do for you. Money is not life or love. If someone hurts you, love them anyways, flaws and all, knowing that nobody is perfect, and humans have no road map for how to live life. Give more love than you are given, saying "I love you" often, and you will actually fill your own bucket that way. Love your family, friends, lovers-wishing the best for each one, even if their role in your life is over.
But don't just love PEOPLE, love things too (and I don't mean your hockey cards and video games). Love ideas. Love places, experiences, and moments in time. Fill your heart with the pleasure of the sound of your best friend's laughter, the feel of a lover's kiss, the majesty of the sunrise over an Adirondack or Ozark mountain range. Love the earth, the land, the trees and the air, and all the creatures that live here with us. Remember, love is FREE to give, and will make YOU richer for giving it.
Lesson #2 Your Heart Will Break
People will disappoint you, even the ones you love. Lovers will lie, manipulate or betray you. Friends will stab you in the back. Your children (yes, even your own spawn) will make your heart ache so badly you will feel the walls caving in, and you cannot breath. It will feel like someone died. You will feel disenchanted, confused, bewildered when someone you have invested in hurts you. You will feel dead inside, only you will still be alive, and have no choice but to live. So keep on living. I wish that this lesson, more than any other, was one you didn't have to learn, but sadly, I can't protect you from it. People are imperfect. They are self-centered. They are cruel sometimes. I'm sorry ahead of time that you will ever have to experience it. Your own kids will one day rip open your chest cavity, and leave you holding your own cold, bleeding heart in your hand. Believe me when I tell you it will suck. Big time. The experience may cause you to go slightly insane, but don't be too hard on yourself (thank you Dr. Kinan). There won't be a damn thing you can do about it, as you can't control other people's actions, only your own. It will hurt, plain and simple, and you have to keep waking up, because of-
Lesson #3
Don't Give Up on Happiness
You are likely to make many bad choices in your lifetime, ones that lead you to bad places. You will screw things up grandly. You will fall in love with the wrong person, take risks that end in disaster, treat someone close to you badly. You will screw up to the point of no return. You will also experience crap that is no fault of your own. Sometimes life hands you a very unfair, and unearned plate of bad karma. You may find yourself laid off, broken hearted, or unexpectedly alone. Don't give up. You never know what tomorrow will bring-and that's the truth. Some days are small days, and some are great ones. Some tomorrows bring mind blowing shit storms, and some bring sunshine and butterflies. Live for the sunshine and butterflies-they WILL come, and you will find yourself hopelessly in love, well employed, and with a house full of friends once again (as long as you follow my advice from Lesson #1 young Jedis).
Lesson #4
Work Hard for What You Love, and Love What You Do
You get ONE (listen up-ONE) chance at this life. Don't spend a single second in a career that makes you miserable, or in a relationship that hurts. But know that both careers and relationships are hard-ass work! Be prepared to give your all for someone or something that is worth it. Blood, sweat and tears my babies. When you find something or someone you love-hold on to it with all your might. Make it a success. Now, there will be times that despite herculean efforts, things will NOT work out as you thought they would. But do NOT give up. Hard work really does pay off.
Last, but not least (drum roll please)
Lesson #5
Be Careful What You Do, and Even MORE Careful What You Say-(aka-think before you do something stupid)
Stop! Listen to me-THINK before you do something stupid. There are consequences to everything we do, and sometimes they are life-altering ones. Some things create scars that will never be healed, and that is the WORST lesson to learn in real time. Treat your relationships with loved ones like fragile glass objects. They can be broken in one careless instant. The most valuable possessions you will ever have on this earth are the relationships you have with people your life. Shattered glass can be glued together, but it will always show its cracks.
I guess that's it for now. Let me think,anything else? Oh yes. Don't forget to put the toilet seat down, wear your seat belts,wear clean underwear and all that. Most of all your mother is ALWAYS right. It took me years to learn this one, but listen to your mother. You really will realize that someday when you are like me, 37, somewhat crazy, and with no blueprint for parenting. Everything on earth comes with a set of directions but babies, but do the best you can. I have.
Love,
Mom
Monday, December 26, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Read for GOD's Sake! READ!
The second installment of a two-part series, this week's Lock On Literacy reports on another of EPIC's early literacy programs, Ready-Set-Read!
“Once you learn to read, you will be forever free.”- Frederick Douglass
Born into slavery, Frederick Douglass found his path to freedom, and by his own proclamation, found it through reading. Fighting the tyranny of repression, Douglass discovered something that all book-loving citizens can attest to – there are benefits to literacy that are life-altering.
According to the office of Buffalo Mayor Byron Brown, 30% of Buffalonians cannot read, write, speak, and listen for information and understanding. They are unable to read the newspaper; fill out job applications; and in many instances, to competently perform many jobs, Simply put, within Western New York, nearly one out of three people are not sufficiently literate and therefore have a deficit that impacts every part of their lives.
It’s no surprise to any of us that children who struggle with reading are more likely to drop out of school prior to graduation. Historically, those who do not learn to read and write are more likely to commit crimes, and end up in jail than those who develop strong literacy skills. One area program, sponsored by non-profit Every Person Influences Children (EPIC), is determined to provide parents with the tools they need to help their children become readers. Based on the notion that Family Literacy creates children who can read, Ready-Set-Read! is designed to reach out to parents who need an extra boost in developing a literacy-rich environment at home.
“An Active Learning Model really encourages parents to come up with their own ideas about how they can help their children at home,” says Jeffrey Bell, Director of Development and Marketing at EPIC. “A facilitator goes to where the parents are, and starts a conversation.”
A community-based program funded by donations by the Ronald McDonald House of WNY, the Children’s Foundation of WNY and others, Ready-Set-Read! provides family support services, most notably parenting skills and literacy education. Not only does EPIC provide parent education workshops directly in their center, but they piggy-back on to other workshops, slipping in during the lunch break or at the end of continuing education seminars for example.
Partnering with an array of local agencies, including refugee centers, battered women shelters and local GED programs, EPIC seeks out an audience that often slips through the cracks. "These are parents who don't have confidence to seek out help," explains Bell.
EPIC is determined to bring the program to the parents, providing trained specialists to assist in developing literacy skill – which in turn, they can use to help their children at home. What Bell describes as a “strength-based system”, Ready-Set Read! begins with parents offering advice and sharing tips. Once the ideas begin to flow, the facilitator makes suggestions aimed at improving parents’ understanding of how learning occurs through active involvement with books.
Following an initial adult-oriented session within the framework of other programs, participants are encouraged to bring their children to the Parent Involvement Center for additional training. Here, specialists gently guide parents as they work with their young children, sometimes even providing transportation to and from the workshops. There are actually seven sessions in all for parents, covering an array of topics from how to develop phonemic awareness, vocabulary and comprehension in young children to choosing quality books for their home. "We are teaching parents to be their child's first teacher," says Bell, and the outcomes are proof that it works. Parent surveys indicate that as many as 45% pf participants report putting what they learned the workshops into practice. Their confidence in communicating with their child's school, as well as in their own ability to support their child's learning increased as well.
Parents participating in the workshops not only get advice and training, but hands on instruction, and perhaps most importanly, a confidence boost. All of this, of course, is free of charge.
If you’d like to become involved, or to get more information, check out EPIC,
http://www.epicforchildren.org
“Once you learn to read, you will be forever free.”- Frederick Douglass
Born into slavery, Frederick Douglass found his path to freedom, and by his own proclamation, found it through reading. Fighting the tyranny of repression, Douglass discovered something that all book-loving citizens can attest to – there are benefits to literacy that are life-altering.
According to the office of Buffalo Mayor Byron Brown, 30% of Buffalonians cannot read, write, speak, and listen for information and understanding. They are unable to read the newspaper; fill out job applications; and in many instances, to competently perform many jobs, Simply put, within Western New York, nearly one out of three people are not sufficiently literate and therefore have a deficit that impacts every part of their lives.
It’s no surprise to any of us that children who struggle with reading are more likely to drop out of school prior to graduation. Historically, those who do not learn to read and write are more likely to commit crimes, and end up in jail than those who develop strong literacy skills. One area program, sponsored by non-profit Every Person Influences Children (EPIC), is determined to provide parents with the tools they need to help their children become readers. Based on the notion that Family Literacy creates children who can read, Ready-Set-Read! is designed to reach out to parents who need an extra boost in developing a literacy-rich environment at home.
“An Active Learning Model really encourages parents to come up with their own ideas about how they can help their children at home,” says Jeffrey Bell, Director of Development and Marketing at EPIC. “A facilitator goes to where the parents are, and starts a conversation.”
A community-based program funded by donations by the Ronald McDonald House of WNY, the Children’s Foundation of WNY and others, Ready-Set-Read! provides family support services, most notably parenting skills and literacy education. Not only does EPIC provide parent education workshops directly in their center, but they piggy-back on to other workshops, slipping in during the lunch break or at the end of continuing education seminars for example.
Partnering with an array of local agencies, including refugee centers, battered women shelters and local GED programs, EPIC seeks out an audience that often slips through the cracks. "These are parents who don't have confidence to seek out help," explains Bell.
EPIC is determined to bring the program to the parents, providing trained specialists to assist in developing literacy skill – which in turn, they can use to help their children at home. What Bell describes as a “strength-based system”, Ready-Set Read! begins with parents offering advice and sharing tips. Once the ideas begin to flow, the facilitator makes suggestions aimed at improving parents’ understanding of how learning occurs through active involvement with books.
Following an initial adult-oriented session within the framework of other programs, participants are encouraged to bring their children to the Parent Involvement Center for additional training. Here, specialists gently guide parents as they work with their young children, sometimes even providing transportation to and from the workshops. There are actually seven sessions in all for parents, covering an array of topics from how to develop phonemic awareness, vocabulary and comprehension in young children to choosing quality books for their home. "We are teaching parents to be their child's first teacher," says Bell, and the outcomes are proof that it works. Parent surveys indicate that as many as 45% pf participants report putting what they learned the workshops into practice. Their confidence in communicating with their child's school, as well as in their own ability to support their child's learning increased as well.
Parents participating in the workshops not only get advice and training, but hands on instruction, and perhaps most importanly, a confidence boost. All of this, of course, is free of charge.
If you’d like to become involved, or to get more information, check out EPIC,
http://www.epicforchildren.org
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Ready-Set-Parent!
Do you remember your favorite book from when you were a child? I bet you do. One, which you maybe flipped through so many times the pages yellowed? How about your earliest memory of sitting on your parent’s lap, reading about Mother Goose and her wayward friends, or that lying Pinnochio and his poor wooden nose? I do. My favorite was Little Women, by Louisa May Alcott, a copy of which I still keep today.
Can you imagine a life without text? Without words? When you were sitting there with a grown-up, you were getting so much more out of it than a lesson on honesty. Whether you know it or not, reading at home taught you concepts about print, how to read from left to right, and from top to bottom. You learned to feel comfortable with text, and that words have meaning. Now imagine a home with no books. And consider what it would be like if your parent never read to you. Sadly, this is the experience of thousands of local children.
As an educator, a literacy specialist, and a passionate reader and writer, I have researched and interacted with dozens of literacy programs, both school and community based. I have found we tend to focus on reading, writing and speaking within the framework of schools, and justifiably so. Parents, as a whole aren’t trained to teach their children to read and write. In schools, students are exposed to books, drilled in the relationship between sound and letters, and taught the basic sight words needed as the basis of strong literacy development. These things happen routinely, beginning at age five when the typical Western New York child starts formal schooling, but really, it isn’t enough.
Recently, I was excited to learn about one locally based program I had to check out. Aimed at helping new parents, and sponsored dually by non-profits EPIC (Every Person Influences Children) and Baker Victory Services, Ready-Set Parent! is a free, community based set of interventions and workshops. Focused on helping at-risk families learn the value in play and in creating a literacy-rich environment within the home, Ready-Set-Parent! provides moms with information and the tools they need to use it. Answering questions, and gifting children’s books, trained specialists ensure babies born in local Buffalo area hospitals have resources to give their babies the very best start possible.
I spoke with Jeffrey Bell, the Director of Development and Marketing for EPIC, who clearly shared my excitement over putting books into the hands of babies. The first thing I discovered, surprisingly, is that Ready-Set-Parent! makes direct contact with at least sixty percent of all new mothers who give birth at Sisters Hospital, Mercy Hospital or Women and Children’s Hospital of Western New York.
Asked about funding a community based parenting education program, Bell described it as tricky, but positive. This past year, Ready-Set-Parent! was verbally ensured a two-hundred thousand dollar earmark, which was later (not surprising to anyone in this fiscal climate) junked by legislators. Funding, as with all non-profits, depends on the year. Supported by some small philanthropic donations, The United Way, as well as both the Catholic Health Services, they receive some direct payment for portions of the program from Health Insurance companies. The literacy component of this initiative is an extra, able to be tacked on to nutrition and wellness education that occurs right in the hospital rooms.
Over the years, Bell said, the level of educational programming within area maternity wards has declined due to restricted funding, frugal minded hospitals instead opting for the most basic of medical care for their new moms. Bell sees Ready-Set-Parent! as filling the gap between medical services and needed family support services.
Describing the families they serve as well intentioned but overwhelmed, and often isolated, Bell identifies the value in bringing the support directly to the hospital. Sometimes working two jobs, frequently teenage mothers estranged from their own parents, these folks usually won’t seek out help on their own. Bell says these new moms typically welcome the help.
Partnering with Baker Victory Services’ Health and Nutrition programming, EPIC facilitates visits from community-based grant funded specialists. These specially trained community members are people who can relate to those they are serving. “People are more comfortable taking parenting advice from someone they can relate to,” says Bell. So EPIC sets up sessions right in the hospitals. Bringing a uniquely crafted version of the children’s classic “Goodnight Moon”, specialists aim to build relationships with new moms, which translates into a positive parenting education program. The book, encased in a special cover containing step-by-step instructions on how to read to an infant, also includes an application to the Buffalo and Erie County Library. Moms are encouraged to seek advice and ask questions in a private setting, and are provided with information about how to engage their baby in educational play and develop a literacy rich home.
In short, they piece together enough money to give new moms books, and teach them how to use them. Considering that the greatest brain development in our lives occurs before we even begin school-I’d say this program is key to supporting a well-educated Western New York Community.
Obviously, illiteracy isn’t called a societal ill for nothing. You may know that children who struggle with reading are more likely to drop out of school prior to graduation, but did you know that historically, those who do not learn to read and write are more likely to commit crimes, and end up in jail than those who develop strong literacy skills? Students who graduate from high school have a higher lifetime income earning potential, making it less likely they will end up seeking welfare and public assistance. Most importantly, the ability to communicate successfully improves quality of life, positively improving a person’s contributions to their community.
We can all support literacy development within our WNY community. Consider becoming a Literacy volunteer, or supporting fundraising for literacy programming!
For registration information, contact EPIC at (716)332-4153.
To find out how EPIC can help YOU, check out their website: http://www.epicforchildren.org
Can you imagine a life without text? Without words? When you were sitting there with a grown-up, you were getting so much more out of it than a lesson on honesty. Whether you know it or not, reading at home taught you concepts about print, how to read from left to right, and from top to bottom. You learned to feel comfortable with text, and that words have meaning. Now imagine a home with no books. And consider what it would be like if your parent never read to you. Sadly, this is the experience of thousands of local children.
As an educator, a literacy specialist, and a passionate reader and writer, I have researched and interacted with dozens of literacy programs, both school and community based. I have found we tend to focus on reading, writing and speaking within the framework of schools, and justifiably so. Parents, as a whole aren’t trained to teach their children to read and write. In schools, students are exposed to books, drilled in the relationship between sound and letters, and taught the basic sight words needed as the basis of strong literacy development. These things happen routinely, beginning at age five when the typical Western New York child starts formal schooling, but really, it isn’t enough.
Recently, I was excited to learn about one locally based program I had to check out. Aimed at helping new parents, and sponsored dually by non-profits EPIC (Every Person Influences Children) and Baker Victory Services, Ready-Set Parent! is a free, community based set of interventions and workshops. Focused on helping at-risk families learn the value in play and in creating a literacy-rich environment within the home, Ready-Set-Parent! provides moms with information and the tools they need to use it. Answering questions, and gifting children’s books, trained specialists ensure babies born in local Buffalo area hospitals have resources to give their babies the very best start possible.
I spoke with Jeffrey Bell, the Director of Development and Marketing for EPIC, who clearly shared my excitement over putting books into the hands of babies. The first thing I discovered, surprisingly, is that Ready-Set-Parent! makes direct contact with at least sixty percent of all new mothers who give birth at Sisters Hospital, Mercy Hospital or Women and Children’s Hospital of Western New York.
Asked about funding a community based parenting education program, Bell described it as tricky, but positive. This past year, Ready-Set-Parent! was verbally ensured a two-hundred thousand dollar earmark, which was later (not surprising to anyone in this fiscal climate) junked by legislators. Funding, as with all non-profits, depends on the year. Supported by some small philanthropic donations, The United Way, as well as both the Catholic Health Services, they receive some direct payment for portions of the program from Health Insurance companies. The literacy component of this initiative is an extra, able to be tacked on to nutrition and wellness education that occurs right in the hospital rooms.
Over the years, Bell said, the level of educational programming within area maternity wards has declined due to restricted funding, frugal minded hospitals instead opting for the most basic of medical care for their new moms. Bell sees Ready-Set-Parent! as filling the gap between medical services and needed family support services.
Describing the families they serve as well intentioned but overwhelmed, and often isolated, Bell identifies the value in bringing the support directly to the hospital. Sometimes working two jobs, frequently teenage mothers estranged from their own parents, these folks usually won’t seek out help on their own. Bell says these new moms typically welcome the help.
Partnering with Baker Victory Services’ Health and Nutrition programming, EPIC facilitates visits from community-based grant funded specialists. These specially trained community members are people who can relate to those they are serving. “People are more comfortable taking parenting advice from someone they can relate to,” says Bell. So EPIC sets up sessions right in the hospitals. Bringing a uniquely crafted version of the children’s classic “Goodnight Moon”, specialists aim to build relationships with new moms, which translates into a positive parenting education program. The book, encased in a special cover containing step-by-step instructions on how to read to an infant, also includes an application to the Buffalo and Erie County Library. Moms are encouraged to seek advice and ask questions in a private setting, and are provided with information about how to engage their baby in educational play and develop a literacy rich home.
In short, they piece together enough money to give new moms books, and teach them how to use them. Considering that the greatest brain development in our lives occurs before we even begin school-I’d say this program is key to supporting a well-educated Western New York Community.
Obviously, illiteracy isn’t called a societal ill for nothing. You may know that children who struggle with reading are more likely to drop out of school prior to graduation, but did you know that historically, those who do not learn to read and write are more likely to commit crimes, and end up in jail than those who develop strong literacy skills? Students who graduate from high school have a higher lifetime income earning potential, making it less likely they will end up seeking welfare and public assistance. Most importantly, the ability to communicate successfully improves quality of life, positively improving a person’s contributions to their community.
We can all support literacy development within our WNY community. Consider becoming a Literacy volunteer, or supporting fundraising for literacy programming!
For registration information, contact EPIC at (716)332-4153.
To find out how EPIC can help YOU, check out their website: http://www.epicforchildren.org
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
WHILE WE
(My amazing son Timothy wrote this-such a grown-up perspective from a young one. He is amazing)
While we sit down and relax on the couch
Millions of people are without a house
While we go to the sink and drink some water
A young girl is crying about the man who just bought her
While we go outside in the sun
Many innocents run from the guns
While we go home to take a long nap
Hungry Children go looking for a scrap
While we out and have a good time
A poor family sleeps in grime
While we go to school and learn a new thing
Millions of people just try to keep breathing
While we drive our cars to work everyday
Millions of people fight just to see the next day
While we complain about a little recession
Half the world is fighting oppression
While we sit around with these truths we ignore
A great deal of people suffer on another shore
While we take advantage of the things that we have
All of these people wish they had what we have
While we sit down and relax on the couch
Millions of people are without a house
While we go to the sink and drink some water
A young girl is crying about the man who just bought her
While we go outside in the sun
Many innocents run from the guns
While we go home to take a long nap
Hungry Children go looking for a scrap
While we out and have a good time
A poor family sleeps in grime
While we go to school and learn a new thing
Millions of people just try to keep breathing
While we drive our cars to work everyday
Millions of people fight just to see the next day
While we complain about a little recession
Half the world is fighting oppression
While we sit around with these truths we ignore
A great deal of people suffer on another shore
While we take advantage of the things that we have
All of these people wish they had what we have
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
No one Ever Promised Me a Rose Garden……
But rose gardens are so pretty….
Life is funny sometimes. Not “ha, ha” funny, but ironic. No one ever promised any of us that it would be easy, just the opposite in fact. We learn from a very young age how cruel it can be. Playground bullies, unnecessary bumps and bruises, transpiring pointlessly sometimes, if only to show us that the world and the people in it can be cold. Yet we still, for the most part, continue to fight, kicking and screaming to find our rose garden.
In my life I have experienced the very highest of highs and the very lowest of lows, a record all, of a life lived. I have had the biggest of disappointments, interactions and events that I expected and counted on dissolving before my eyes. I have made the biggest of mistakes, life altering and damaging mistakes, ones which forever changed the course of my future. The irony, of course, lies in knowing that my own choices, my own actions brought me exactly where I deserved to be by anyone’s standard. A variety of errors on my part, insecurity, procrastination, laziness, each have played some role in speeding me along towards failure.
I have acted stupidly. I have been afraid to own choices I have made, frozen by the knowledge that I should have been smarter, and that really, stupid has no excuse, only consequence. I have acted cowardly, begging for mercy when I have been too weak to handle my own reality alone, protesting the tomorrow when I should have been stronger today.
In my life I have experienced the worst of luck, done the right thing, worked my hardest only to end up in failure. I have pushed myself until my body collapsed, until my mind faltered, until my will dissolved, only to watch the fruit of my labors rise in wisps of smoke and dissolve in a pile of ashes. I have struggled, witnessing things I worked towards for years crash and burn. I have been abandoned when I was burning, sacrificed selfishly.
In my life I have survived the most devastating of heartbreaks, the crushing and cruel realization that life is no fairy tale, but a drama with characters, all with their own agenda. I have felt unworthy, not good enough, numbed by the tearing of my heart, the disappointment of loss, of what never will be. I have struggled to breath through tears, turning off all emotion, so as not to feel the pain, disappointed to even wake the next morning.
In my life, I have experienced violation, scarring and altering, events beyond my control, which damaged my home, my body, my security, and my soul. I have lived through pointless cruelty by others who either didn’t know or were too evil to care how their actions hurt. I have survived trampling of my rights and privacy, which forever cemented deep seeded insecurities, injured my family and those who I love.
In my life I have experienced the greatest of joys. A soul created from part of me, breathtaking beauty touching the core of me, gifts from Heaven I know, as there is no other possible explanation. I have been gifted with the glory of motherhood, where sacrifice is offered willingly and without question, and the simple existence of that soul provides me with the breath and desire to climb the highest of mountains and fight the greatest of wars without care for any injury that might be inflicted on myself.
I have experienced the greatest of loves, deep and pure. Heartrending feelings of devotion, lust, obsession even, wrapping myself up in the ecstasy of being loved. I have lived romance novels and fairy tales and waterfalls, emotions so strong that my world stopped spinning and I was perfectly happy to jump right off, not knowing or even caring what lay beneath me. I have allowed love to envelope me, selfishly sometimes, no thought or even care what the outcome may be.
I have had dreams come true, lived moments some only imagine, pleasure others don’t realize exist. I have watched magic created from thin air wrap itself around me and felt as it penetrated my core, surreal but present. I have been witness to incredible kindness, selfless and healing, both to myself and to others. I have received gifts, emotional and material, which I was desperate for, but often undeserving.
I have been the recipient of the fiercest of loyalty, love and commitment to my well-being. I have been nurtured when I was in pain, nursed when I was broken, coddled when I was weak and loved when I didn’t deserve to be, sometimes by people who I least expected, sometimes by total strangers.
I have put the pieces back together. I have picked myself up from the bottom of the trash heap again and again, struggling to believe that it is all worth it. That the joys, the love, even the pain is somehow making me a better person, a wiser person, capable of waking again the next day to face the next battle.
I have learned through joy and pain, loss and love. I have evolved, grown, changed, and become stronger. I have realized I am capable. I am unique, that there are people who love me even when I screw everything up. I have learned that I can touch a child’s life and shape their future, teaching them how to give and receive love, and that I don’t have to be at my best to do it. I have learned that we can’t protect the innocent from pain, we can only guide them through it. I have learned that everyone leaves their footprint, and we can choose to
recognize that as beautiful or damaging. I have learned that we can’t make people love us, no matter how desperately we try. I have learned how to pick myself up, how to keep breathing, how to close doors against my will and how to open up new ones, shaking and raw. I have said yes to opportunity, to clarity, to the sun and the stars.
I have learned I am worth it.
That love should be easy and if it is a tough decision, then it isn’t really love.
That I shouldn’t trust others for my happiness.
That dreams blow up in smoke but the next one is likely manifesting itself as I weep.
That loss makes us humble.
That I should cherish those who are willing to walk across the fire to be with me when I am burning.
That it takes courage to be happy.
That we sow our OWN rose garden, seed by tiny seed and we must nurture and care for it to grow.
That people who love us water our flora, pluck out the weeds.
I have learned through my ups and downs, through my highs and lows.
My, oh my, I have learned.
Life is funny sometimes. Not “ha, ha” funny, but ironic. No one ever promised any of us that it would be easy, just the opposite in fact. We learn from a very young age how cruel it can be. Playground bullies, unnecessary bumps and bruises, transpiring pointlessly sometimes, if only to show us that the world and the people in it can be cold. Yet we still, for the most part, continue to fight, kicking and screaming to find our rose garden.
In my life I have experienced the very highest of highs and the very lowest of lows, a record all, of a life lived. I have had the biggest of disappointments, interactions and events that I expected and counted on dissolving before my eyes. I have made the biggest of mistakes, life altering and damaging mistakes, ones which forever changed the course of my future. The irony, of course, lies in knowing that my own choices, my own actions brought me exactly where I deserved to be by anyone’s standard. A variety of errors on my part, insecurity, procrastination, laziness, each have played some role in speeding me along towards failure.
I have acted stupidly. I have been afraid to own choices I have made, frozen by the knowledge that I should have been smarter, and that really, stupid has no excuse, only consequence. I have acted cowardly, begging for mercy when I have been too weak to handle my own reality alone, protesting the tomorrow when I should have been stronger today.
In my life I have experienced the worst of luck, done the right thing, worked my hardest only to end up in failure. I have pushed myself until my body collapsed, until my mind faltered, until my will dissolved, only to watch the fruit of my labors rise in wisps of smoke and dissolve in a pile of ashes. I have struggled, witnessing things I worked towards for years crash and burn. I have been abandoned when I was burning, sacrificed selfishly.
In my life I have survived the most devastating of heartbreaks, the crushing and cruel realization that life is no fairy tale, but a drama with characters, all with their own agenda. I have felt unworthy, not good enough, numbed by the tearing of my heart, the disappointment of loss, of what never will be. I have struggled to breath through tears, turning off all emotion, so as not to feel the pain, disappointed to even wake the next morning.
In my life, I have experienced violation, scarring and altering, events beyond my control, which damaged my home, my body, my security, and my soul. I have lived through pointless cruelty by others who either didn’t know or were too evil to care how their actions hurt. I have survived trampling of my rights and privacy, which forever cemented deep seeded insecurities, injured my family and those who I love.
In my life I have experienced the greatest of joys. A soul created from part of me, breathtaking beauty touching the core of me, gifts from Heaven I know, as there is no other possible explanation. I have been gifted with the glory of motherhood, where sacrifice is offered willingly and without question, and the simple existence of that soul provides me with the breath and desire to climb the highest of mountains and fight the greatest of wars without care for any injury that might be inflicted on myself.
I have experienced the greatest of loves, deep and pure. Heartrending feelings of devotion, lust, obsession even, wrapping myself up in the ecstasy of being loved. I have lived romance novels and fairy tales and waterfalls, emotions so strong that my world stopped spinning and I was perfectly happy to jump right off, not knowing or even caring what lay beneath me. I have allowed love to envelope me, selfishly sometimes, no thought or even care what the outcome may be.
I have had dreams come true, lived moments some only imagine, pleasure others don’t realize exist. I have watched magic created from thin air wrap itself around me and felt as it penetrated my core, surreal but present. I have been witness to incredible kindness, selfless and healing, both to myself and to others. I have received gifts, emotional and material, which I was desperate for, but often undeserving.
I have been the recipient of the fiercest of loyalty, love and commitment to my well-being. I have been nurtured when I was in pain, nursed when I was broken, coddled when I was weak and loved when I didn’t deserve to be, sometimes by people who I least expected, sometimes by total strangers.
I have put the pieces back together. I have picked myself up from the bottom of the trash heap again and again, struggling to believe that it is all worth it. That the joys, the love, even the pain is somehow making me a better person, a wiser person, capable of waking again the next day to face the next battle.
I have learned through joy and pain, loss and love. I have evolved, grown, changed, and become stronger. I have realized I am capable. I am unique, that there are people who love me even when I screw everything up. I have learned that I can touch a child’s life and shape their future, teaching them how to give and receive love, and that I don’t have to be at my best to do it. I have learned that we can’t protect the innocent from pain, we can only guide them through it. I have learned that everyone leaves their footprint, and we can choose to
recognize that as beautiful or damaging. I have learned that we can’t make people love us, no matter how desperately we try. I have learned how to pick myself up, how to keep breathing, how to close doors against my will and how to open up new ones, shaking and raw. I have said yes to opportunity, to clarity, to the sun and the stars.
I have learned I am worth it.
That love should be easy and if it is a tough decision, then it isn’t really love.
That I shouldn’t trust others for my happiness.
That dreams blow up in smoke but the next one is likely manifesting itself as I weep.
That loss makes us humble.
That I should cherish those who are willing to walk across the fire to be with me when I am burning.
That it takes courage to be happy.
That we sow our OWN rose garden, seed by tiny seed and we must nurture and care for it to grow.
That people who love us water our flora, pluck out the weeds.
I have learned through my ups and downs, through my highs and lows.
My, oh my, I have learned.
Monday, June 21, 2010
One Tiny Lesson at a Time....
“Those who live on hope, die of starvation”… not sure who to credit those thoughtful words to, but I saw it last night on a best friend’s Facebook status. It struck me on a personal level, and I assumed she posted it for me. Not so. And not so oddly, it seemed to be a quote that many related to.
The thing is, I’ve also used hope as my sustenance in life. Hasn’t really gotten me where I’d like to be, though it has absolutely gotten me through trial after life trial, which (my GOD) I am thankful for!
I guess, though, at some point, it is equally important to begin feeding my future with something more filling than hope alone. Hard work, sweat and tears are equally, if not more critical than the illusion and emotional umbrella that hope can offer. And most importantly is to feel the successes and failures that are occurring daily in every aspect of my life. Feel the pain, accept loss, realize and forgive myself for my mistakes. Otherwise, the lessons I am constantly encountering aren’t really teaching me what I need to learn, in order to figure out where I am going.
That path, very nearly always lonely, for certain a struggle, is mine alone to walk. It is, in fact, each of ours alone. We all chose our own lives. THAT is one lesson I’ve learned for sure! Once in a while, we encounter someone whose path seems so clear. Yet we can’t ever direct another person down one path or the next, no matter how strongly we wish we could. People we encounter along our personal journey are all just doing their best to find their own personal truths. They may touch us deeply, and play some role in the lessons we are learning. Yet, they too, are struggling with their own realizations.
Just as we are struggling to find success, love, happiness that fills us in magical ways, so too are others we meet along the way. But truly? The lessons that sink in for us may not be the same ones that others are learning. The key to survival is to live fearlessly, and be unafraid. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of judgement, fear of disappointment, or in disappointing others, are our biggest blockades in life. Climb over, dig through, go around…any which way…not getting stuck behind.
The thing is, I’ve also used hope as my sustenance in life. Hasn’t really gotten me where I’d like to be, though it has absolutely gotten me through trial after life trial, which (my GOD) I am thankful for!
I guess, though, at some point, it is equally important to begin feeding my future with something more filling than hope alone. Hard work, sweat and tears are equally, if not more critical than the illusion and emotional umbrella that hope can offer. And most importantly is to feel the successes and failures that are occurring daily in every aspect of my life. Feel the pain, accept loss, realize and forgive myself for my mistakes. Otherwise, the lessons I am constantly encountering aren’t really teaching me what I need to learn, in order to figure out where I am going.
That path, very nearly always lonely, for certain a struggle, is mine alone to walk. It is, in fact, each of ours alone. We all chose our own lives. THAT is one lesson I’ve learned for sure! Once in a while, we encounter someone whose path seems so clear. Yet we can’t ever direct another person down one path or the next, no matter how strongly we wish we could. People we encounter along our personal journey are all just doing their best to find their own personal truths. They may touch us deeply, and play some role in the lessons we are learning. Yet, they too, are struggling with their own realizations.
Just as we are struggling to find success, love, happiness that fills us in magical ways, so too are others we meet along the way. But truly? The lessons that sink in for us may not be the same ones that others are learning. The key to survival is to live fearlessly, and be unafraid. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of judgement, fear of disappointment, or in disappointing others, are our biggest blockades in life. Climb over, dig through, go around…any which way…not getting stuck behind.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
The Absence of a Village...
I was recently struck by a conversation I had with a colleague. Struck is actually putting lightly. It was more like I was kicked in the gut. She was sharing with me her sadness at the slow decline she’s noticed in the morality of our youth. So many of the students she’d taught years ago had taken the wrong path…drugs, crime. She wondered how we had raised an entire generation of humans with so few social values, and no moral convictions. She said to me something that I have said a hundred times as an educator, “I wish I could take them all home with me”.
Her comments stopped me short, giving me a heavy sensation in the pit of my stomach. As a child growing up, my mother was a school psychologist, and she actually DID bring students home with her. One, whose home life was so corrupt it made our hearts break, moved in with us for months during my senior year of high school. I never resented her presence as an infringement in my space, or my home. In fact, having that lonely young woman to nurture and support was an incredibly fulfilling experience for me. I found myself less self-involved, more empathetic than I’d been prior. My mother wasn’t crazy to bring this girl to our home. In fact, the experience may have provided Sherry with the love, empathy and acceptance she needed to get through a very rough time in her life. My mother understood this, intrinsically, and thus created her desire to provide her with those things.
I’ve felt that desire strongly several times as an educator, a pull towards that one student who I knew needed something more than what they are getting at home. Sometimes there is neglect. Other times things more sinister. Often though, it isn’t as obvious. There arises an innate awareness, maybe stemming from my experiences as a mother, that a child isn’t going to quite make it with their life the way it is. It is these children who we see “fall through the cracks”, in spite of herculean efforts by the staff members at school. Like the ones who, years later, are remembered by their teachers as “such a smart boy”, and “such a nice girl”, as they begin their third go at rehab. Like the ones sadly recalled as “so popular”, as they sit alone in a jail cell. Like the ones, I realized as I listened to my colleague speak…like the ones who had robbed my house this past Fall.
As she continued to talk, I had an actual physical response to her words. She explained things we all know, such as how children used to learn their values from their parents, and grandparents. It seems that now, she said, parents are too absent, too unaware, or too overwhelmed to take on the moral education of their children.
Oh, I’ll just say it…sigh…parents can’t seem to be bothered with teaching their children the English language, let alone potty training or (GASP!) to read. Guiding them towards becoming productive, law abiding citizens of our country is entirely too draining. Somehow expecting infants and toddlers to internalize these skills by osmosis, or through the efforts of more responsible adults in the schools, at church…anywhere but at home, so many parents of today’s youth have really lost the drive or even know-how to do it.
For many, its tough enough just to make it through the day, ensuring everyone in the family arrives where they are supposed to be. I know THAT all too well. Deep philosophical lessons on the importance of honor are last on my list of mothering duties when I am tired and hungry at the end of the day. I guess I am just as much to blame as the next-door neighbors.
Speaking of which, what happened to those dear neighbors of long ago? The ones who knew every little thing going on around town? You know, those darling, pain in the ass old folk who weren’t afraid of yelling at us when we trampled their flowers in a game of tag, and who called the police at a minute past ten if the music was too loud? I’m sure none of us appreciated their noses in our business at the time. We really couldn’t get away with too much before our parents were notified. Yet, that entire network of people watching out for us provided such a safety net. Any little thing our parents missed, would surely have been seen by the ever-watchful eye glaring out the window next door. I’m still afraid of my mother’s neighbors, now at age thirty-five. Where have those neighbors gone? I’d asked myself that very question a thousand times in the months following The Robbery of my house.
On top of the effortless parenting and the apparent lack of a village to raise a child, we have no great public heroes these days to be role models for any of us. My mother had an entire generation of Superheroes as an example of honor and responsibility. My grandfather, his peers, true heroes all, fighting for the freedom of entire nations, and against the extinction of democracy and justice.
In generations since, we have too often turned towards sports figures, or other talents in the public eye. Generally, they haven’t always proven the epitome of moral standard bearers. Only a small handful like Tiger Woods and Michael Phelps….oh wait….
What my colleague was saying were not things I had really given coherent thought to since The Robbery. Looking back, I realized I’d had very few coherent thoughts about anything at all since that time. Life itself, as we knew it, had been one constant disruption, interviews with detectives, locating suspects, identifying stolen property, haggling (arguing really) with insurance people. The invasion of our home, and the series of unsettling incidences that had followed had been all consuming, and sadly life altering. The Robbery had changed my perspective on so many things. Life in my safe little town no longer seemed so comforting. The world outside suddenly appeared huge and frightening in a way that it never had before. Causing disruption and chaos in every arena, The Robbery caused me to become consumed with anger, feelings of victimization, unfairness. Our most costly possessions had been thieved in one fell swoop. Already experiencing financial strain, the idea of replacing thousands of dollars of electronics, clothing, even food, seemed overwhelming. Resentment towards those who had created that chaos in my life overshadowed every waking moment, and each sleeping breath. My teenage son became vengeful. I sunk deep into an obsession for justice.
And then something beautiful happened. Something I hadn’t expected, and which made the world begin to seem right again. People began reaching out to us. Each person we came in contact with offered a kind word or a hug. My family, worried about my physical safety and my emotional health, sent money. My father offered to sleep at my house when we were frightened. My mother stepped in to shoulder parenting responsibilities when I was just too emotionally spent to do it right. My co-workers, concerned with my immediate well being, organized a donation drive for my family. Generously attempting to replace what had been stolen, they plied me with the necessities, food, clothing, wine, gift cards and even cash to cover the rest. Neighbors, near and unknown began to check in to see that we were safe. Shown love by both family and strangers alike, the dark cloud began to lift inch by generous inch. Through the love, empathy and acceptance of others, my community began to feel like just that, once again. Life resumed, and a new normalcy began, edged always, though, by that nagging resentment towards the criminals, the children, who had upturned my life.
As my colleague shared with me her sadness that day, jumbled thoughts rolled through my mind and feelings in my heart, because the children we had been discussing could easily have been the same ones who were responsible for robbing my house. In a sort of revelation, I remembered the kindness I had been shown by people I had never even met, and wondered if any of those children had ever been shown anything of that sort. Had they felt that same resentment for things they’d lost, not followed by the loving embrace of people who gave a damn?
All along, I had been struggling to bring peace back to my world, despite the anger and bitterness I felt. Seeing our Robbers not as children who weren’t loved but as a chaotic storm, I had never taken a moment to think about where they’d come from. Frantic to see each one of them behind bars, I’d focused all my attention on their capture, their punishment.
But that day, I realized something else. Punishment really was not what those children needed, or what I needed. Perhaps they weren’t really lacking any heavy lessons in morality, or social propriety. Maybe it was something else entirely that they were lacking...those things that had helped me to begin to heal. Perhaps because they hadn’t had that all along in their lives, things like empathy, love and acceptance despite their mistakes, maybe that was why they were weaving such chaos around themselves. And in that moment I discovered just what it was I needed to bring peace back to my existence, the one thing that I’d been lacking in order to heal my soul, and piece my broken family back together.
Forgiveness.
Her comments stopped me short, giving me a heavy sensation in the pit of my stomach. As a child growing up, my mother was a school psychologist, and she actually DID bring students home with her. One, whose home life was so corrupt it made our hearts break, moved in with us for months during my senior year of high school. I never resented her presence as an infringement in my space, or my home. In fact, having that lonely young woman to nurture and support was an incredibly fulfilling experience for me. I found myself less self-involved, more empathetic than I’d been prior. My mother wasn’t crazy to bring this girl to our home. In fact, the experience may have provided Sherry with the love, empathy and acceptance she needed to get through a very rough time in her life. My mother understood this, intrinsically, and thus created her desire to provide her with those things.
I’ve felt that desire strongly several times as an educator, a pull towards that one student who I knew needed something more than what they are getting at home. Sometimes there is neglect. Other times things more sinister. Often though, it isn’t as obvious. There arises an innate awareness, maybe stemming from my experiences as a mother, that a child isn’t going to quite make it with their life the way it is. It is these children who we see “fall through the cracks”, in spite of herculean efforts by the staff members at school. Like the ones who, years later, are remembered by their teachers as “such a smart boy”, and “such a nice girl”, as they begin their third go at rehab. Like the ones sadly recalled as “so popular”, as they sit alone in a jail cell. Like the ones, I realized as I listened to my colleague speak…like the ones who had robbed my house this past Fall.
As she continued to talk, I had an actual physical response to her words. She explained things we all know, such as how children used to learn their values from their parents, and grandparents. It seems that now, she said, parents are too absent, too unaware, or too overwhelmed to take on the moral education of their children.
Oh, I’ll just say it…sigh…parents can’t seem to be bothered with teaching their children the English language, let alone potty training or (GASP!) to read. Guiding them towards becoming productive, law abiding citizens of our country is entirely too draining. Somehow expecting infants and toddlers to internalize these skills by osmosis, or through the efforts of more responsible adults in the schools, at church…anywhere but at home, so many parents of today’s youth have really lost the drive or even know-how to do it.
For many, its tough enough just to make it through the day, ensuring everyone in the family arrives where they are supposed to be. I know THAT all too well. Deep philosophical lessons on the importance of honor are last on my list of mothering duties when I am tired and hungry at the end of the day. I guess I am just as much to blame as the next-door neighbors.
Speaking of which, what happened to those dear neighbors of long ago? The ones who knew every little thing going on around town? You know, those darling, pain in the ass old folk who weren’t afraid of yelling at us when we trampled their flowers in a game of tag, and who called the police at a minute past ten if the music was too loud? I’m sure none of us appreciated their noses in our business at the time. We really couldn’t get away with too much before our parents were notified. Yet, that entire network of people watching out for us provided such a safety net. Any little thing our parents missed, would surely have been seen by the ever-watchful eye glaring out the window next door. I’m still afraid of my mother’s neighbors, now at age thirty-five. Where have those neighbors gone? I’d asked myself that very question a thousand times in the months following The Robbery of my house.
On top of the effortless parenting and the apparent lack of a village to raise a child, we have no great public heroes these days to be role models for any of us. My mother had an entire generation of Superheroes as an example of honor and responsibility. My grandfather, his peers, true heroes all, fighting for the freedom of entire nations, and against the extinction of democracy and justice.
In generations since, we have too often turned towards sports figures, or other talents in the public eye. Generally, they haven’t always proven the epitome of moral standard bearers. Only a small handful like Tiger Woods and Michael Phelps….oh wait….
What my colleague was saying were not things I had really given coherent thought to since The Robbery. Looking back, I realized I’d had very few coherent thoughts about anything at all since that time. Life itself, as we knew it, had been one constant disruption, interviews with detectives, locating suspects, identifying stolen property, haggling (arguing really) with insurance people. The invasion of our home, and the series of unsettling incidences that had followed had been all consuming, and sadly life altering. The Robbery had changed my perspective on so many things. Life in my safe little town no longer seemed so comforting. The world outside suddenly appeared huge and frightening in a way that it never had before. Causing disruption and chaos in every arena, The Robbery caused me to become consumed with anger, feelings of victimization, unfairness. Our most costly possessions had been thieved in one fell swoop. Already experiencing financial strain, the idea of replacing thousands of dollars of electronics, clothing, even food, seemed overwhelming. Resentment towards those who had created that chaos in my life overshadowed every waking moment, and each sleeping breath. My teenage son became vengeful. I sunk deep into an obsession for justice.
And then something beautiful happened. Something I hadn’t expected, and which made the world begin to seem right again. People began reaching out to us. Each person we came in contact with offered a kind word or a hug. My family, worried about my physical safety and my emotional health, sent money. My father offered to sleep at my house when we were frightened. My mother stepped in to shoulder parenting responsibilities when I was just too emotionally spent to do it right. My co-workers, concerned with my immediate well being, organized a donation drive for my family. Generously attempting to replace what had been stolen, they plied me with the necessities, food, clothing, wine, gift cards and even cash to cover the rest. Neighbors, near and unknown began to check in to see that we were safe. Shown love by both family and strangers alike, the dark cloud began to lift inch by generous inch. Through the love, empathy and acceptance of others, my community began to feel like just that, once again. Life resumed, and a new normalcy began, edged always, though, by that nagging resentment towards the criminals, the children, who had upturned my life.
As my colleague shared with me her sadness that day, jumbled thoughts rolled through my mind and feelings in my heart, because the children we had been discussing could easily have been the same ones who were responsible for robbing my house. In a sort of revelation, I remembered the kindness I had been shown by people I had never even met, and wondered if any of those children had ever been shown anything of that sort. Had they felt that same resentment for things they’d lost, not followed by the loving embrace of people who gave a damn?
All along, I had been struggling to bring peace back to my world, despite the anger and bitterness I felt. Seeing our Robbers not as children who weren’t loved but as a chaotic storm, I had never taken a moment to think about where they’d come from. Frantic to see each one of them behind bars, I’d focused all my attention on their capture, their punishment.
But that day, I realized something else. Punishment really was not what those children needed, or what I needed. Perhaps they weren’t really lacking any heavy lessons in morality, or social propriety. Maybe it was something else entirely that they were lacking...those things that had helped me to begin to heal. Perhaps because they hadn’t had that all along in their lives, things like empathy, love and acceptance despite their mistakes, maybe that was why they were weaving such chaos around themselves. And in that moment I discovered just what it was I needed to bring peace back to my existence, the one thing that I’d been lacking in order to heal my soul, and piece my broken family back together.
Forgiveness.
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